How to Talk to an Anxious Kid

Parenting an anxious child is really hard, especially if you’ve experienced anxiety yourself as the parent. You want to do everything you can to help, but it seems like your child still has stubborn fears or worries that are resistant to your coaching. It’s heartbreaking to watch them struggle with something you know all too well. Fortunately, there is a handy new(ish) parenting approach described in Eli Lebowitz’s book about ways you can help your anxious child feel more confident. One of those ways that I really like involves giving your child a balanced message when they are in anxiety-provoking situations: I know this is hard for you, and I know you can do it.

This may seem like an obvious message, and maybe you already deliver this message! But there’s a bit more to it that I want to explain, so you can make sure you aren’t accidentally delivering other messages that might contradict this one. I also want to help you understand that it’s not just a script, but a style of responding.

Dr. Lebowitz draws an important distinction between different parenting approaches for anxiety, which may deliver very different messages to anxious kids:

Dismissive responses try to minimize the fear, making it sound more minor or insignificant in the hopes that the child will “see it their way” and calm down. This might sound something like, “There’s nothing to be afraid of” or “You’re fine” or ”Look at Suzy, she’s not scared!”

Protective responses try to rescue children from their distress, without giving the child a chance to work through their discomfort. This might sound something like, “You don’t have to go if it’s too scary” or “I’ll stay with you the whole time” or “Let me do it.”

Neither of these are automatically “bad” all the time, but they may accidentally send the wrong message about anxiety: It’s a sign of weakness, and they are not able to handle the situation like they should.

Supportive responses strike a balance between these two extremes, providing a dose of validation and a dose of encouragement in the same sentence. More importantly, a parent’s actions following this supportive response make all the difference: If you still allow your child to avoid the situation, or push them into the “deep end” of a situation instead of the “shallow end,” your actions speak louder than words. So it’s better to treat supportive statements as not just a guide for what you say, but also how you act in the face of anxiety.

If this intrigues you, I highly recommend that you learn more about Dr. Lebowitz’s SPACE treatment, as it helps parents to raise braver kids.

This concept is not a substitute for therapy, and may not solve more severe anxiety and avoidance. If you need more support, please contact me and we can develop a more comprehensive plan.